Thursday, January 24, 2008

josh, who used to fuck me while i was sleeping. i would wake up and he would be humping my half-conscious body. the last time we 'madeup,' i vowed not sleep with him until i trusted him again. and like clockwork, a few days after our reconciliation and he did it again. i got up the next morning; i took the morning after pill to be sure, and i got rid of him, once and for all. three weeks later, and i just took a positive pregnancy test. the perfect end to the perfect relationship.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Michelle. I knew this girl in high school but became good (best) friends with her in college. There are MANY reasons why I no longer speak with her, but I will just choose one or two stories. First time I stopped speaking to her was because she didn't show up at her job (that I had gotten FOR her) for three days because her grandfather was "sick." This was always her code for she went on an unexpected last minute vacation. Another time she decided to visit me and help me with my Oscar party. Well, just when preparations we getting hectic she told me she was taking a walk to get some "air" because the kitchen was getting so hot. Two hours later I call her to find her shopping at Macy's on 34th Street.
Dan. He videotaped us making whoopee without my knowledge. I learned of this tape years later, from a new boyfriend.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Max. Came dressed to a Halloween party as 'Captain Abortion.' Three of the women at the party had had abortions in the past three years. Nice one, man.
Tim. We dated briefly when we were in college. I was a virgin at the time and wasn't intending on that changing for him. He was seemingly cool with that until one evening, when he tried to convince me to sleep with him by telling me that he'd read an article in Men's Health that men who don't have regular sex have a higher risk of prostate cancer. " know how health-conscious I am."
Liz. I lived with her for six months when my roommate decided to spend the semester in Australia. I took to calling her The Hoover, because when she ran across an item, she sucked it up; countless pairs of earrings, gift cards, sweaters, and bottles of Gray Goose disappeared into her extra-large maw. When I finally confronted her, she broke down and told me she was pregnant - and that she was going to get rid of it by drinking and doing "a lot" of drugs. It worked. I was never so happy to move out on someone in my life. Sarah
Got one for you, in haiku form: Girlfriend moved awayOops! Pregnant from secret man. Definition: cunt. If you want a name, it's Jodi, which could be..Jodi moved awayOops! Pregnant from secret man. Definition: cunt. Ben
Jacqueline. We became roommates in grad school, having met because we were in the same degree program. I spent the summer between the first and second year of grad school in another city, working on an internship. While I was gone, I sent her my rent check every month. When I returned – a few days before classes were to start – she told me she wanted to start living on her own because she needed to work on herself to be “more centered.” She found a new apartment the next day, and I had to scramble to find either a new roommate or a new apartment. But, since the new semester was about to start, everyone I knew already had living arrangements and all the affordable housing was already taken. Over the next week or two, she bugged me every day, asking what I was going to do, because she wanted to give our landlord notice right away since she already knew she was moving out and she didn’t want to get stuck paying rent on two different apartments. In the end, I couldn’t find a new roommate, so I moved into an apartment in a sketchy neighborhood where we had to change the exterior locks because we found a homeless man sleeping in our lobby. We also had to call the cops on my neighbor, because he was beating up his girlfriend. (And this apartment was even more expensive for me because I was now living on my own!) I still had to take classes with her almost every day over the next year, and we even had to work on group projects together.

We'll call her "B" for Bipolar. I moved into my friend's row house following a break with my now ex-husband. She seemed a bit mentally off, but we nevertheless became fast friends. A week went by, and three guys moved into the house. Ms. B morphed into the devil's right hand in no time. A typical day in her life began with her prancing about the house in something less-than-appropriate to wear among the opposite sex. She'd then go to work to do "graphic design art" at a local screen print shop. She carried with her what I later found out was a bag full of samurai swords. She became angry one night and threw one of her swords into our front door, cracking it down the middle. She'd drink at least a bottle of wine each night, arriving home wasted and most often arm-in-arm with a skeevy male friend. She once brought home a recently-released prisoner, who she left on our back porch to "hang" with us. She frightened everyone in the house pretty quickly, since she tried to sleep with each and every one of us. We all tried to resist B, and were met with various responses. One of our male roommates, for instance, said no to one of her come-ons in our kitchen, was punched in the face, then given a blow-job; right then, right there. She tried to straddle another male roommate at his glass-blowing torch one day and was resisted. She walked into his room that night as he slept, punched him in the balls, then passed out on his floor. She awoke the next morning screaming and punching around, as though confused. She was once kicked out of a local bar. She walked out of the bar, removed her bike tire and threw it into the grill of an oncoming truck, because she was "pissed". Her dog ate various pieces of our furniture while we were at work; the couch, a chair, our clothing-anything, really. She stole all of my winter clothing as she moved out of the house. She was moving away [thank god] with "the man of her dreams", who's girlfriend later contacted us on Myspace to ask who the hell "B" was and why B was trying to get with her boyfriend... Need I say more? Thanks for reading. I wish I was lying to you. Cheers! K.