josh, who used to fuck me while i was sleeping. i would wake up and he would be humping my half-conscious body. the last time we 'madeup,' i vowed not sleep with him until i trusted him again. and like clockwork, a few days after our reconciliation and he did it again. i got up the next morning; i took the morning after pill to be sure, and i got rid of him, once and for all. three weeks later, and i just took a positive pregnancy test. the perfect end to the perfect relationship.

Michelle. I knew this girl in high school but became good (best) friends with her in college. There are MANY reasons why I no longer speak with her, but I will just choose one or two stories. First time I stopped speaking to her was because she didn't show up at her job (that I had gotten FOR her) for three days because her grandfather was "sick." This was always her code for she went on an unexpected last minute vacation. Another time she decided to visit me and help me with my Oscar party. Well, just when preparations we getting hectic she told me she was taking a walk to get some "air" because the kitchen was getting so hot. Two hours later I call her to find her shopping at Macy's on 34th Street.

Dan. He videotaped us making whoopee without my knowledge. I learned of this tape years later, from a new boyfriend.

Max. Came dressed to a Halloween party as 'Captain Abortion.' Three of the women at the party had had abortions in the past three years. Nice one, man.

Tim. We dated briefly when we were in college. I was a virgin at the time and wasn't intending on that changing for him. He was seemingly cool with that until one evening, when he tried to convince me to sleep with him by telling me that he'd read an article in Men's Health that men who don't have regular sex have a higher risk of prostate cancer. "And...well...you know how health-conscious I am."

Liz. I lived with her for six months when my roommate decided to spend the semester in Australia. I took to calling her The Hoover, because when she ran across an item, she sucked it up; countless pairs of earrings, gift cards, sweaters, and bottles of Gray Goose disappeared into her extra-large maw. When I finally confronted her, she broke down and told me she was pregnant - and that she was going to get rid of it by drinking and doing "a lot" of drugs. It worked. I was never so happy to move out on someone in my life. Sarah

Got one for you, in haiku form: Girlfriend moved awayOops! Pregnant from secret man. Definition: cunt. If you want a name, it's Jodi, which could be..Jodi moved awayOops! Pregnant from secret man. Definition: cunt. Ben